I Will Always Believe
by Evil Willow
Summary: Angel decides his disappearing act into the smoke was unfair to Buffy.


Title: I Will Always Believe (1/1)  
Author: Evil Willow  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: Graduation Day II   
Keywords: Buffy/Angel, ANGST  
Distribution: My site and all list archives. Also any others that already   
have standing permission, may archive this if they wish. Anyone who doesn't   
have permission, just email me to ask. I'll always say yes!   
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. They belong to Joss Whedon, the   
WB, Fox, et al.  
Summary: Angel decides his disappearing act into the smoke was unfair to   
Buffy.   
Author's Notes1: Alternating POV's, between Buffy and Angel.  
Author's Notes2: I'm in a rather depressed mood, so I thought about a B/A   
angsty song-fic, but then changed my mind. Instead, this is only based   
on the song "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow. The lyrics are at the end of the fic.   
Dedications: To Dru for beta'ing this for me. Also to all the kind people who   
send me feedback, you guys keep me writing!   
  
  
**************************  
"Buffy, are you sure you're okay?"  
  
"Hm?" I look over at Willow. She insisted on walking me home after we stopped   
the Ascension. We started walking and I forgot she was there. I can't think   
about anything right now except one.. foot... in front ... of ... the other.   
That's about all I can handle. It's enough, though, because it keeps me from   
thinking about how he walked away like that. Just like that. Two years. All   
gone. Nothing but the memory of him walking away without even saying goodbye.   
  
I'd be better off if I could hate him.  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
Oh yeah. Willow. I look over at her and shrug. "I'm fine. I just need to   
sleep." I can see it in her eyes, she doesn't believe me. She probably saw   
how he left, too.   
  
"Okay."  
  
God, I'm so glad she's going to just pretend I'm not lying. I give her a   
small smile and we finally arrive at my door. "I'll see you later, Will."  
  
"All right, Buffy. You know if you need anything--"  
  
"I'll call you, I promise." I love her for worrying but at the same time, I   
really need to be alone. Nervous breakdown Buffy is clamoring to get free and   
I'd prefer solitude for that.  
  
"Okay..." She hesitates. "Bye."  
  
Finally.   
  
I shut the door and lock it, with a sigh of relief. At least I have the house   
to myself. I walk upstairs to my room and change into my pajamas.   
  
As I curl up in bed, part of me is amazed that I'm still so calm.   
  
Angel's gone.  
  
That doesn't provoke any reaction from me. Shouldn't it? Why am I not crying?   
  
Maybe it just isn't real yet.   
  
Yeah, that must be it. I can't bring myself to believe I'm not going to go to   
the mansion tomorrow evening and see him sitting there reading. Same as   
always.  
  
I can't believe he won't be there. If he's gone, then what did I save him   
for? So he could tear my heart out, stomp on it, then hand it back to me and   
make an exit from my life?  
  
It's not right. He wouldn't do that to me.   
  
Would he?  
  
Then I let myself remember earlier this evening. He just looked at me then   
turned and walked away.  
  
I know the truth.   
  
He would.  
  
He did.  
  
Damn him for making me love him and then leaving now when I can't live   
without him!  
  
Now I'm crying. I can't breathe. It hurts so much. I think I never understood   
what a broken heart was until tonight. Not even when I sent Angel to Hell. At   
least back then, I could tell myself that I had to let him go for the sake of   
the rest of the world.   
  
But now? Now there's no reason for all this pain. Well, there is a reason,   
but it makes the pain even more unbearable. The only reason I can come up   
with is that he doesn't love me anymore, because otherwise he would try to   
make this work. And I can't take the pain. It's not going to get better, it's   
just going to get worse. I'm never going to see Angel again, and I don't want   
to be in a world without him in it.   
  
Why couldn't I have just died during the fight with the Mayor?  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
I'm not going to open my eyes, because I know it's just my evil imagination   
playing a cruel trick on me. He's not here. He's gone and he's not coming   
back. He doesn't love me anymore.   
  
"Baby, please."  
  
I open my eyes and I realize I wasn't imagining things. Angel is standing   
there next to my bed. And when I see all the pain in his eyes, I know. He   
still loves me. And that makes me cry even harder. I can't talk, I can't   
move, it hurts so much. If I could do those things, I'd get on my knees and   
beg him not to leave me. I need you so much, Angel. Please.  
  
He sits on the bed next to me and pulls me into his lap. I go willingly and   
bury my face against his chest. Angel just holds me in his strong arms. And   
this is what I needed. He always knows, without me saying a word, just what I   
need. Why do I have to lose the one person who can always comfort me when no   
one else can?  
  
"Sssh, Sweetheart, it'll be all right, I promise," he whispers into my ear.   
And God help me, but I believe him even though I should be calling him a liar.  
  
  
I felt Buffy's pain when I was packing. I tried so hard to ignore it, but I   
couldn't. We're so interconnected, we always have been. I know that we always   
will be. I could run thousands of miles away from Buffy and I would still   
feel her inside me. She's my reason for living, for loving. She is everything.  
  
And I felt something else, in the way she looked at me when I walked away   
earlier tonight: I made her doubt how much I love her. How could I do that to   
her? I can't let her doubt that. Buffy has to know that this isn't about her.   
  
So I came to Buffy's house to talk to her. But when I snuck into her room   
through her window and saw her, it broke my heart. I didn't want to hurt her   
like this. I feel like I'm being pulled in two. But I can't just let her deal   
with this alone. Not when I'm the cause.   
  
I didn't realize I spoke until Buffy looked at me. So much for the attempt to   
act strong and unaffected, because now I'm crying and she's crying. But I see   
it in her eyes at least. She understands, without me having to explain. She   
knows that I don't love her any less than I did on the day I met her. And   
that's all that matters. Because knowing that has to help her a little,   
doesn't it? God, I hope so.   
  
As I pull her into my arms, I feel how I always do when we're like this. This   
is the only time I feel like I'm home. Usually I feel so alone, but when   
we're together, I feel loved, wanted and needed. And just holding Buffy in my   
arms, I believe that things will work out. So I say something to that effect   
and she just holds me tighter. But those weren't just empty words. I wouldn't   
really be able to walk away if I didn't have hope that we'd find our way back   
together again someday.   
  
  
I'm getting Angel's shirt all wet, but he doesn't seem to care. He's crying   
too, as he tells me how much he loves me. I really needed to hear that. I   
know it doesn't change anything. I know he's leaving. But he loves me. And   
that's all that matters right now.   
  
"I'm so sorry, Buffy," Angel whispers. "I'm sorry I can't make everything the   
way it ought to be. Everytime I try to make it right, it all comes down on   
me."  
  
I pull away and brush the tears out of my eyes so I can look at him. "Angel,   
I just want you."  
  
"I won't let you settle, when you deserve so much more than me," he replies,   
pushing a stray lock of hair out of my face.   
  
"You can leave, but it won't make me stop loving you," I say firmly. "It   
won't make me give up on you. You are so much more than you give yourself   
credit for; I'll never change my mind about that."  
  
Angel doesn't argue with me, thank God. He just pulls me close again and   
whispers, "Thank you. I needed to hear that."  
  
"It's true," I insist. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too," he says.   
  
I pull back and look into Angel's eyes. I'm so glad he's opened up a little.   
For the first time in a very long time, when I look into his face, I can   
actually see how he feels. I take a huge risk and move closer and he lets me.   
Our lips meet in a gentle kiss and it's been so long since he kissed me.   
  
I wish...  
  
I wish for so many things, but they'll have to wait. I have to believe that   
some day...  
  
Some Day...  
  
  
  
As we kiss, it hits me, hard, how much I'm losing. No one heals me like   
Buffy. She holds the key to everything. My heart, my soul, my ability to   
love. Walking away from her is the hardest thing I'll ever do. I know that if   
I manage to keep myself alive after leaving, the memory of Hell will be a   
good one in comparison with the memory of losing her.   
  
If I ever reach a point when I feel like I deserve her again... if she still   
wants me ... I will never turn away from her again.   
  
  
I can taste my tears and his as we kiss. I finally pull away and rest my head   
on his chest. I'm so afraid; I know that any minute now he's going to say   
those words: 'I should go.' I don't know how I'm going to be able to let him   
go, though. I already feel like there's this huge weight on me, a weight that   
only his love can lift. He makes everything all right. Angel makes me believe.  
  
  
I shift on the bed and I feel her tense up. "It's okay, Buffy," I say,   
soothingly. "I'm right here." I glance over at the clock, it's only ten. I   
have every intention of getting to L.A. by dawn, but it's only a two hour   
drive.   
  
I can't believe I'm even contemplating this. it's just going to make it   
harder to leave.   
  
Buffy is still holding on to me like her life depends on it. I hate that I've   
done this to her. I'd take a one-way trip to Hell if it would remove a little   
of her pain. I don't give a damn about my pain, it's only what I deserve. But   
she doesn't deserve any of this.  
  
"Buffy, I need to--" she clutches me tighter and I sigh, "--get to L.A. by   
dawn," I finish. She relaxes just a little. "I could stay here with you until   
four. But If you think it's better if I just go go now, I will."  
  
  
Six hours. Not long enough.  
  
Two years wasn't long enough, either.  
  
But there's no real question about what I want. I'll take every last minute   
with Angel that he's willing to spend with me. Yes, it'll hurt when he goes,   
but I know the pain will be worth it, because every minute with him is worth   
it.  
  
"Stay," I say.   
  
I feel him nod. "Okay, then you think you can let me go just long enough to   
get comfortable?"  
  
Okay, Buffy. Remove the death grip on Angel. There, that wasn't so hard, was   
it? I look up at him and he smiles. He moves to lean against the headboard,   
my pillows behind him. I crawl up to curl up next to him. Now this is almost   
perfect. It would be perfect, if only I didn't know it was just temporary.   
  
  
This is right. It's one of the reasons I have to leave, though. I won't risk   
letting him hurt her again.  
  
"Angel?"  
  
"Yeah, Buffy?" I reply.   
  
"Can you tell me the real reason?"  
  
Buffy is so much smarter than most people give her credit for. She knows that   
the curse isn't the only reason I'm leaving. If it was, she'd be able to   
convince me to stay, see if we could reverse the curse. "Two reasons," I   
reply. "The first reason is what I said earlier, Buffy. You deserve so much.   
A normal life, children, all those things that I can't give you."  
  
"You really think you're the only thing keeping me from a normal life?" she   
asks, looking up at me. "I'm the slayer, Angel. We don't get normal lives.   
And I seriously doubt that I'm going to want to bring children into my world."  
  
"You never know, Buffy," I shrug. "I have to believe that you'll get all   
those things you deserve, someday."  
  
"Well, one of those things is you," she says matter-of-factly.  
  
I can't hide a small smile. God I love this woman. She makes me believe.  
  
"The other reason?" she prompts.  
  
"I feel like I have so much to make up for," I tell her. "Maybe I can be of   
use in the fight against evil, some place where people don't have the slayer   
to protect them. And if I can make a difference, maybe, someday..."  
  
Maybe someday I'll feel like I truly deserve Buffy's love...  
  
And maybe, if she still loves me...  
  
If she can forgive me for leaving her...  
  
Maybe, then, we can be together again.  
  
  
I don't voice any of those thoughts, however, because I don't want Buffy to   
wait for me. I want her to move on. I want her to be happy.  
  
"Angel, look at me."  
  
I comply and Buffy continues, "I know that you want me to move on and find   
someone who can give me a 'normal life.' But even if I do find someone,   
Angel, even though I don't see that happening, but I won't argue the point   
with you. Even if I were to find someone, Angel, I will NEVER, EVER stop   
loving you the way I do right now. You will always be in my heart."  
  
I can't talk, because if I do I'll start crying like a baby. I needed to hear   
those words. Because the truth is it kills me to think of some other man   
holding Buffy and kissing her. She's mine. And even though I won't ask her to   
wait, I need to believe that she won't stop loving me. Even if it's not true,   
I'll believe it.  
  
"So, since we've got that established," she says, "Promise me something?"  
  
"I'll try," I whisper.   
  
"If, someday, you make enough of a difference to make peace with yourself,   
find me."  
  
"Buffy--"  
  
"No, just listen," she frowns. "Even if I'm with someone, Angel, even if   
you've moved on or I've moved on, or both of us have moved on, come tell me   
at least. After everything we've been to each other, I'll want to know. I'll   
want to know that you've finally found the peace that you deserve. Promise."  
  
I sigh. She always manages to make too much sense. "Okay," I agree. "I   
promise."  
  
She smiles easier and curls up against me again.   
  
**********  
  
We've talked for four hours and it's two a.m now. I can't believe the time   
has gone by so quickly. It's not enough time, but it was enough to say the   
things we needed to say. There won't be any bitterness or misunderstandings   
now. I think we both feel a little more hope for the future than we did   
earlier tonight, too.  
  
Buffy wants to sleep, I can tell. But she's fighting it. "Why don't you try   
to sleep?" I suggest.   
  
"No," she clutches me tighter.   
  
She must be thinking I'm going to disappear while she's asleep. "I promise   
you that I will wake you up," I say.  
  
She looks up at me, searching my face. She nods, finally, as she tries to   
stifle a yawn. "Okay." She rests her head against my chest again and I hold   
her close. Soon I hear her breathing and heart beat slowing. I'm so tired   
myself.   
  
I reach over to her alarm clock and set it for three-thirty. I'll just sleep   
for a little while.  
  
**********  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
I know why he's trying to wake me, but I can't open my eyes. I can't let him   
go.  
  
"Please look at me," he requests.   
  
I open my eyes finally and tilt my head back to meet his eyes. "I know," I   
sigh. It wasn't enough time. He eases me off him and I sit up.   
  
  
I wish... No, Angel. No more what ifs. You're doing this for a reason, three   
to be exact. It's time to be strong now. I sit up and glance at the clock.   
It's three fifty-nine. I woke thirty minutes ago and just concentrated on the   
way it felt to hold Buffy. I don't know when I'll be doing that again.   
  
Stop it now, or you'll never make it out of this house.  
  
I look over at her and she looks surprisingly okay. Better than she did   
earlier when I first came into her room. I take her face in my hands and say,   
"Never forget Buffy Summers, I love you."  
  
I kiss the tears from her cheeks and then kiss her lips one last time.   
  
  
He loves me. I believe that. It's all I have to hold onto right now, I'll   
always hold onto it. Until he comes back. I believe that he will, too. If I   
didn't, I'd jump in front of a speeding car.  
  
When he pulls away, I attempt a smile and say, "I love you too Angel."   
  
He smiles back and releases me. I somehow make myself let go of him. He   
stands and says, "If you ever need me, Buffy--"  
  
"I'll call you," I reply. He gave me his cellphone number earlier, it's   
tucked away in the pages of my diary. I'll only use it in case of   
emergencies, but it means a lot that he gave it to me.  
  
"Okay," he says. He opens his mouth again but I cut him off.   
  
"Don't say it. I WILL see you again."  
  
  
I nod, I can let myself believe that for now. It wouldn't make sense for us   
to find the love we have and then lose it forever. Fate can be cruel, but it   
can't be that cruel. Maybe to me, but not to Buffy. This isn't good-bye, not   
forever anyway.  
  
I walk to her window and turn back to look at her one last time. No, not one   
last time. Just one more time.   
  
"Angel?"  
  
"Yeah, Baby?"  
  
"Always," she says with a smile as the tears well up in her eyes.   
  
I nod and have to turn away or I'll never get out of here. I can't hold back   
my own tears as I climb out of her window and go out to my car.   
  
  
As I watch him leave again, I can't stop the tears from falling. I hold my   
pillow against my chest and listen to his car drive off. It hurts... but not   
as badly as it did earlier tonight. Because at least he let me know. He still   
loves me. He believes that we'll find a way to be together again, someday.   
And if he believes that, then I'll believe it too. I will always believe.  
  
  
I get into the driver's seat and start driving before I can talk myself out   
of it. I can do this. I can do this because I believe in us. We'll find each   
other again, someday. Until then, we'll hold onto the memory of our love. The   
love that we share isn't something that everybody finds. Our love will   
withstand whatever time we have to spend apart. It will last forever.   
  
I believe.  
  
I will always believe.  
  
  
  
*****************  
The End  
  
I Shall Believe - Sheryl Crow  
Come to me now  
And lay your hands over me  
Even if it's a lie  
Say it will be all right  
And I shall believe  
  
I'm broken in two  
And I know you're on to me  
That I only come home  
When I'm so all alone  
But I do believe  
  
That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me  
Please say honestly you won't give up on me  
And I shall believe  
And I shall believe  
  
Open the door  
And show me your face tonight  
I know it's true  
No one heals me like you  
And you hold the key  
  
Never again  
would I turn away from you  
I'm so heavy tonight  
But your love is all right  
And I do believe  
  
That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me  
Please say honestly  
You won't give up on me  
And I shall believe  
I shall believe  
And I shall believe  
  



End file.
